"Finicky" means very hard to please. "Finick" means someone like me, who is very hard to please.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Some stupid products should just not exist. Go to hell, Scott and Bounty

While shopping for toilet paper in the supermarket last summer I noticed a display of "Value" ass wipes. I like to save money and the rolls of white paper in the plastic bundle carrying the familiar Scott brand name seemed as fluffy as normal, and certainly not as rough as sandpaper.

When I got home I had a major shock. The stuff was SINGLE-PLY, definitely not thick enough to withstand normal bowel movement. The only way to use it was to stack three or four thicknesses. I saved no money and certainly wasted time.

I don't know of any application where this lame-o product is appropriate for use by human beings. It's certainly not strong enough to capture sneeze. Maybe it can be used for dusting. The package touts "Long Lasting." Heck, it will last for decades if you don't use it.

The package does say that the paper is "ONE-PLY," but the lettering has low contrast and is hard to read. It reminds me of the screen full of tiny type that appears for a fraction of a second at the end of commercials for car leasing. That should be illegal, by the way.


A few days ago I was in BJ's Club. I needed paper towels and quickly picked a package from the huge selection. Wary of my previous disaster with the skimpy Scott toilet paper, I chose a major brand -- Bounty -- and was comforted when I read "Regular Rolls" on the package. I certainly did not want "irregular." The bundle assured me that the paper "Locks in the Mess."

When I got home I realized that I had been fucked again. The rolls I schlepped home do not have the brilliant-and-common "Select-A-Size" extra perforations that enable me to use a half sheet for small messes, saving lots of money.

I had erroneously assumed that the feature was now universal. Bounty even provides the extra perfs in the down-market "Bounty Basic" paper towels. It's inexcusable for P&G to not provide it in all of their Bounty towels.

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